Results Day: When a Grade Can Feel Like So Much More Than a Grade
It can be a day filled with excitement and anticipation, but also anxiety, fear, uncertainty, disappointment, relief, pride, grief and even numbness. For a parent or carer, it can be difficult to understand why reassurance such as, “It is not the end of the world” or “You can always resit your exams” does not seem to make things feel better.
You may know that there are other options. You may know that one set of results does not determine a person’s future. You may know there are different routes into further education, training, employment and the things they hope to do.
But knowing those things does not necessarily make the feelings disappear. Because for a young person, results day may not simply be about whether they achieved the grades they needed. It can feel as though it is about who they are, whether they are enough and what happens to the future they have imagined for themselves.
And that is why results day can carry such an enormous
emotional weight.
“But it is only an exam…”
To an adult, it can sometimes be tempting to put results into perspective. We may look back at our own lives and know that things rarely happen exactly as planned. We may have changed careers, taken different routes, returned to education, retrained, started again or discovered opportunities we could never have predicted.
We may genuinely believe that exams are not the end of the world. And logically, they are not. But a young person is not necessarily experiencing results day through the same lens. They may not yet have the experience that tells them, “There will be other opportunities.” They may have spent years being told that these results matter. They may have worked towards a particular course, college, university, apprenticeship or career. They may have imagined themselves walking into a particular college or university. They may have pictured where their friends would be. They may have built part of their identity around being successful academically. They may have spent months, or even years, hearing questions about grades, revision, exams and what they want to do next.
So when someone says, “It is only a set of
results,” the young person may hear something very different:
“You should not be this upset.”
“You are overreacting.”
“This should not matter so much.”
“Why can’t you just move on?”
And sometimes what they need first is not perspective.
They need someone to understand the size of the feeling.
Results day can begin long before the results are opened. For many young people, the emotional experience of results day has been building for months.
There may have been revision.
Mock examinations.
Deadlines.
Pressure.
Comparisons.
Expectations.
Late nights.
Fear of forgetting what they have learnt.
Worry about whether they revised the right things.
The feeling of sitting in an examination room and suddenly
being unable to remember something they knew the night before.
Leaving an exam and immediately thinking about the questions
they might have got wrong.
Waiting for results.
Trying not to think about results.
Thinking about results constantly.
And then there is the waiting.
That period between finishing the exams and receiving the
results can create its own kind of anxiety.
There is nothing left to change.
Nothing left to revise.
Nothing left to correct.
The young person may know that the outcome has already been decided, but they do not yet know what it is. That uncertainty can be incredibly difficult to sit with. The hypervigilance of waiting. When we are anxious about something important, our minds can become highly alert to anything that might give us information.
A young person may repeatedly check their phone.
They may look at social media.
They may compare themselves with friends.
They may search for grade boundaries or previous results.
They may replay individual exam questions in their mind.
They may calculate possible outcomes over and over again.
They may ask their parents what they think will happen.
Then ask again.
They may say they do not care, while appearing intensely
focused on everything connected to results.
They may become irritable.
Withdrawn.
Restless.
Unable to sleep.
Unable to concentrate.
Or seemingly completely calm.
Sometimes that calmness is genuine.
Sometimes it is the way their nervous system is managing
something that feels overwhelming.
And then comes the moment
The results are available.
But even then, there may be another decision to make.
How do I open them?
Do I open them with my friends?
Do I open them with my parents?
Do I go into school or college and open them there?
Do I look online?
Do I want someone beside me?
Do I need to be alone?
Do I open them immediately?
Do I wait?
Do I want someone to read them before me?
Do I want to know everything at once?
There is no single right way to approach that moment. Some young people will want to rip the envelope open. Others may stare at it for several minutes.
Some may feel sick.
Some may cry before they even know what their results are.
Some may laugh.
Some may make jokes.
Some may appear completely detached.
Some may want everyone around them.
Others may need space.
These reactions can all be ways of responding to an emotionally significant moment. The feelings may be complicated.
Results day does not necessarily produce one emotion. It can produce many.
A young person might feel relief because the
waiting is finally over.
They might feel pride because they have worked
incredibly hard.
They might feel joy because they achieved what
they hoped for.
They might feel excitement about what comes next.
They might feel disappointment because their
results were not what they expected.
They might feel anger because they believe they
worked harder than their results suggest.
They might feel shame because they believe they
have let someone down.
They might feel embarrassment when comparing
themselves with friends.
They might feel jealousy when someone else
receives the result they wanted.
They might feel guilt because they know their
parents have supported them and they feel they have not achieved what was
expected.
They might feel fear about what happens next.
They might feel confusion because they do not know
what their results mean for their plans.
They might feel grief for the future they had
imagined.
They might feel numbness because it is simply too
much to process in that moment.
They might feel relief and sadness at the same time.
They might be incredibly proud and still disappointed.
They might celebrate with their friends and cry later when
they are alone.
They might receive excellent results and still feel anxious.
They might receive results that are not what they wanted and
feel strangely calm.
There is no emotional formula for results day.
When achievement becomes connected to identity
This is perhaps one of the most important parts of
understanding results day.
For some young people, achievement has become closely
connected to identity.
I am clever.
I am successful.
I am the one who gets good grades.
I am going to university.
I am going to become…
I am going to make my family proud.
When results meet expectations, that identity can feel
reinforced.
But when results do not meet expectations, the young person
may not simply think:
“I did not get the grade I wanted.”
They may think:
“Maybe I am not clever enough.”
“Maybe I am a failure.”
“Maybe I have disappointed everyone.”
“Maybe I am not good enough.”
“What does this say about me?”
That is a very different emotional experience.
The result has moved from being something
they achieved to something they believe defines them.
And that is where self-worth can become vulnerable.
External validation and internal validation
Education naturally contains a lot of external measures.
Grades.
Marks.
Levels.
Predictions.
University offers.
Course requirements.
Awards.
Certificates.
These measures have a purpose. They can tell us something
about academic performance at a particular point in time.
But they cannot measure the whole person.
They cannot measure compassion.
Creativity.
Curiosity.
Courage.
Humour.
Resilience.
Kindness.
Loyalty.
Problem-solving.
Imagination.
Determination.
The ability to recover from difficult experiences.
The capacity to care for another person.
The courage it took to keep going when things were hard.
A result is an external measurement.
It is not an internal definition of worth.
Yet when a young person’s sense of worth has become heavily dependent upon achievement, separating the two can be difficult. That is where compassionate support can become particularly important. What if they achieved the grades but still do not feel good? It is also important to remember that difficult emotions do not only belong to disappointing results.
A young person may achieve exactly what they hoped for and
still experience anxiety.
They may think:
“What if I cannot cope at the next level?”
“What if everyone else is cleverer than me?”
“What if I was only successful because I worked constantly?”
“What if I cannot keep this up?”
“What if I fail next time?”
Sometimes success does not immediately produce confidence. It can create another expectation to live up to. The young person who has always been praised for achievement may suddenly feel the pressure of maintaining it. So even a result that looks wonderful on paper may be accompanied by anxiety, exhaustion or uncertainty.
There can also be grief
Results day can mark an ending.
The end of school.
The end of college.
The end of a familiar routine.
The end of seeing friends every day.
The end of being part of a particular community.
The end of one version of themselves.
Even when the next chapter is exciting, endings can still be painful. A young person may be grieving something they have not yet found the words to describe. They may be leaving behind teachers who mattered to them.
Friends whose paths are now changing.
A routine that provided security.
A place where they knew where they belonged.
And now they are expected to move forward into something
new.
New can be exciting.
New can also be frightening.
What happens when the expected future changes?
Perhaps the most difficult part of results day is when the
young person’s imagined future suddenly changes.
They may have had a very clear picture of what would happen
next.
Then the grades arrive.
And that picture no longer fits.
There may still be options.
There may be different courses.
Alternative routes.
Resits.
Clearing.
Apprenticeships.
Further applications.
Different colleges.
Different subjects.
Different pathways.
But before they can consider those possibilities, they may
need time to grieve the plan they thought they were going to follow.
This is something adults can sometimes miss.
We can be so eager to find the solution that we move
straight into problem-solving.
“What about this course?”
“Have you looked at that college?”
“You could always resit.”
“There are loads of other options.”
Those things may eventually be helpful.
But sometimes the first need is simply:
“I can see how much this means to you.”
“I know you worked hard.”
“You do not have to decide everything today.”
“We can work out what comes next together.”
What might a young person need from the adults around them?
There is no perfect script.
Every young person is different.
But often, the most helpful response begins with listening
rather than immediately fixing.
You might say:
“How are you feeling about it?”
Rather than:
“Are you happy with your results?”
You might say:
“You do not have to work out the next step this minute.”
Rather than:
“So, what are you going to do now?”
You might say:
“I know how much you wanted this.”
Rather than:
“It is only an exam.”
You might say:
“Whatever the results say, you are still you.”
And sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is your
presence.
Sitting beside them.
Making a cup of tea.
Going for a walk.
Giving them some space.
Letting them cry.
Celebrating with them.
Being quiet with them.
Not demanding that they immediately turn their feelings into
a plan.
When therapy can provide a place to process
Sometimes a young person needs somewhere outside their
family, school or education environment to make sense of what they are feeling.
Therapy can provide that space.
Not because something is necessarily “wrong” with them.
And not because they need to be persuaded to feel
differently.
But because sometimes having a safe, confidential and
non-judgemental space allows a young person to put down some of the pressure
they have been carrying.
They may be able to say things in therapy that feel
difficult to say to their parents.
They may be able to admit:
“I am scared.”
“I feel like I have failed.”
“I am embarrassed.”
“I am angry.”
“I do not know what I want anymore.”
“I feel like everyone else is moving forward and I am
stuck.”
“I am worried my parents are disappointed in me.”
“I got the grades I needed but I still feel awful.”
“I do not know who I am without school.”
“I am exhausted.”
Sometimes there is a need simply to be heard.
Sometimes there is a need to understand the anxiety that has
built around achievement.
Sometimes it is about separating self-worth from
performance.
Sometimes it is about processing disappointment.
Sometimes it is about navigating change and uncertainty.
Sometimes it is about recognising what the young person has
already achieved, including everything that cannot be captured by a grade.
Therapy does not have to rush towards an answer
A therapeutic space does not need to begin with:
“So, what are you going to do next?”
It can begin with:
“What has today been like for you?”
That small difference matters.
Because before we can always move forward, we sometimes need
somewhere safe to stop.
To breathe.
To feel.
To understand.
To acknowledge what has happened.
To recognise what has been achieved.
To grieve what has not happened.
And then, when the young person is ready, to begin exploring
what comes next.
Therapy can help create space between what
happened and what it means about me.
A disappointing result becomes:
“I did not achieve the result I hoped for.”
Rather than:
“I am a failure.”
A changed plan becomes:
“The future I imagined has changed.”
Rather than:
“I have no future.”
Anxiety becomes:
“I am frightened about what comes next.”
Rather than:
“I cannot cope.”
That distinction can be incredibly important.
To the young person reading this
If today has not gone the way you hoped, you do not need to
pretend that you are fine.
You do not need to immediately find the positive.
You do not need to be grateful for the alternatives before
you have had time to feel disappointed.
You do not need to know what you are doing with the rest of
your life.
And if today has gone brilliantly, you do not have to feel
happy every second either.
You are allowed to feel overwhelmed by a good result.
You are allowed to feel exhausted after everything it took
to get here.
You are allowed to feel excited and frightened about the
future at the same time.
Whatever your results say, they are information about
an academic outcome.
They are not a measurement of your value as a human being.
You are more than your grades.
More than your predicted results.
More than your university offer.
More than your college place.
More than your achievements.
And more than the expectations other people may have placed
upon you.
To the parent or carer
If your young person is struggling today, you do not
necessarily need to have the perfect words.
You do not have to solve everything.
You do not have to make the disappointment disappear.
You can simply be alongside them.
Listen.
Validate.
Give them time.
Remind them that they do not have to decide everything
immediately.
And if they are finding it difficult to process what has
happened, reaching out for therapeutic support can provide another safe space
for them to explore their emotions without the expectations that can sometimes
surround education, family and the future.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give a young person is
not another answer.
It is a place where they can safely ask the questions.
Who am I now?
What do I want?
What happens if my plan changes?
Can I still be successful if my journey looks different?
Am I still enough?
The answer to that last question does not depend on the
results they opened today.
Yes. They are enough.
Results day is one moment.
It may be an important moment.
It may be an emotional moment.
It may change the direction of the next chapter.
But it does not define the whole story.
Sometimes the next chapter is not the one we expected to
write.
That does not mean it cannot become a meaningful one.
Sometimes we simply need the space, support and compassion
to begin writing it.
Mindful Moments Therapies
At Mindful Moments Therapies, Phiona provides a
compassionate, non-judgemental space for young people to explore anxiety,
self-worth, expectations, change, uncertainty and the emotions that can
accompany significant life transitions.
There does not need to be a crisis before a young person
deserves support.
Sometimes they simply need somewhere to be heard.
Compassionate support for your mind, body and emotional
wellbeing.
Guiding the soul home.
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