Boundaries and how they change relationships.

 



I’ve recently shared in a previous blog about why boundaries are important in therapy and in the client, therapist therapeutic relationship. However what I didn’t share is the impact and fallout they may hold. Boundaries apply to all aspects of life and our relationships, not just in therapy.

Firstly each of our boundaries differ to each other. Some are firm and apparent, clear and concise. Whilst others may be blurred and loose, changing at whim and confusing to those trying to adhere to them . So to elicit a clear boundary first you must draw them and begin to implement them. 

This takes constant application, even when it’s easier to drop them or to simply relax them as it’s hard to keep momentum initially,  however over time and eventually those around you begin to understand and respect them. The key to sustaining a good boundary is to sit and decide what is right for you, what are your limits and in your comfort zone anything outside of that is beyond your boundary. 

However many people simply don’t respect boundaries, they try to expand them, resist them, ignore them and overturn them, this says more about them rather than you. It shows a lack of respect that they hold in general and this can bring about issues and in some cases change or end that relationship forever. 

When someone comes up against your boundary that  you uphold, they can often act in a sudden change of character, childlike in response, throwing a tantrum and trying to reflect it upon you, they often enter a tirade of words in trying to get you to relax that boundary to accommodate their own needs. When you continue to firm them, they can become abusive, personal and offensive. 

This can change the dynamic and connection you have previously held, however the boundary has remained a constant, it’s just that now it no longer fits their narrative, and rather than look at the why, they blame you as it’s easier and fits their current dynamic. 

Try not to react to their abreaction to your clearly drawn out lines, for it shows where they are currently upon their own learning and acceptance. It’s not easy as we tend to take things personally and internally and can feel offended, hurt or emotional. When this happens do some self reflection as to why this happened, investigate why now this has surfaced and clear the projected emotions.

Sometimes we may need support of a therapist to find this understanding or with friends and family as we look to find answer. However those who do not respect boundaries most often will not take responsibility for themselves either. Taking instead a view of blaming everyone else rather than look at their own part. 

You are not there to hold their responsibility for them, only for the self. Many relationships break down and end when boundaries are applied and it’s sad to see them fraying. However remember you placed those lines around you for a reason, for your own health and well-being.   

You are not here to be an emotional punching bag for those who are reluctant to self reflect and take responsibility for their own being, neither are you here to be a doormat for people to walk over at whim and will. 

So draw your lines and feel confident within them, don’t slacken them to fit others around you, or to soften the blow, draw them for your own wellbeing. Those who respect that will encourage you to uphold them, those who don’t will fall away, some quietly and others with a loud ruckus and argument simply to make themselves feel better. 

If you feel you would like support, and you feel therapy may be the answer. I offer 15 minute free insight calls, for you to have the chance to discover how therapy might support you. Visit my website for more information. 


www.mindfulmomentstherapies.co.uk


Or email

phiona.hutton@btinternet.com


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